Some people say that guilt is a wasted emotion. I would agree if I wasnt so consumed with it on a daily basis.
Bedrest guilt fills my thoughts even though there is nothing that I can do about it. These days I question whether Matt knows how much I wish I could help him around the house, whether Addison resents me for not playing with her as much, wether my body is going to turn on me and turn into a 400 pound walking doughnut.
When I was working there was the whole working moms guilt that would gently tug at my hearstrings every day. Is Addison getting involved in preschool gangs? Is she the target of 3 year bullying? Is she going to be completely messed up because her mom chose to work instead of stay home with her? Do I leave her at daycare too long? Will she recongnize me when I walk in the door?
Oh I was a stay-at-home mom as well. I know both sides. I was a stay-at-home mom burnout and luckily realized that staying home with my two year old ALL day was not healthy for me, which is not healthy for my daughter. Those days the guilt would consume me. Is the house clean enough? Is the TV on too much? That sippy cup full of milk Addie found under the couch, is it from today? Her Bi-polar tantrums are out of control, what do I do? It was a constant questioning of my ability as a mother.
Once I decided to go into Real Estate it gave me the opportunity to balance both work and Addison time. I was able to work, put on makeup and have adult conversations that didnt involve Disney, Barney or The Wiggles. It was freedom people. When the stay-at-home Mom guilt would creep up I could take a day and spend it with Addison atleast once or twice a week. Mommy/Addie day we called it. We would go to the zoo,the library, out to lunch, get icecream, go to the pool and have picnics at the playground. It was full of fun Addie time. I miss those days.
Addison starts Kindergarten this year and I am already feeling melancholy. Addie and I went through alot together over the past 5 years. I have gone through some serious life changing awareness about myself and well, Addison has gone from being a tiny, helpless poop machine to a beautiful and funny little girl that can can get dressed in the morning, pour her own milk and go on sleepovers without a single call to her mommy and daddy.
I'm looking forward to starting my journey with this new little one. I am sure that it's going to be a much different experience, knowing what I know now, but I would never trade in all those guilty days for a million dollars. Ok, maybe a few.