One of the increasingly difficult situations that I have had to come across has been when and where it's appropriate to share that I have another daughter, Grayson.
I get asked many times a week "So is this your second?" Many times I just say yes, or sometimes I am adamant that Grayson gets mentioned, because she is a part of our family. Today was Addison's kindergarten orientation. Talked with a lot of people, one who asked this very question. Matt and I always have this hesitation and then look between us before we answer, not knowing what the other is feeling. This must be weird to most people, this is a factual answer, there should be no pause. We both confirmed that it was our second, not wanting to create any awkwardness. As I walked away I could kick myself because Grayson deserves to be recognized.
When my friends share stories from their children's birth, I want to add Grayson's story to it, these are my friends and I have her pregnancy and birth story, just like Addison's. I craved fruit with Grayson, I didn't gain as much weight as I did with Addie and being pregnant over the summer is just NOT fun. I have a completely different birth story to share as we do with all of our children, when my water broke, how long I was in labor, when contractions started. This is all etched in my history along with Addison's pregnancy and entrance. But there is no joyful, happy ending here and again I hesitate to bring the group down.
Yesterday, we went to the doctor, it was great news, so great. This baby is perfect in every way. The ultrasound tech told me that she has hair. I remember when they told me that Grayson had hair, I called my dad on the way home to share the news, Addie was so...bald.
The emotions from losing Grayson are RIGHT HERE, so fresh and raw, right in front of my face again. I thought that I had neatly tucked her away in my head, to bring out when I wanted to. Not the case. I don't get to decide when to grieve for her, it just happens.
This is my third child. I have three daughters, one named Addie who will be 5 in July, one named Grayson who would turn two this October and one to be born very soon.
Thanks for letting me share.